Kaitlin Nicole May

katie_may69 @ 2008-08-15T12:40:00

2008-08-15T17:45:56Z

So I randomly told the guy at the coffee shop (not the awkward one, the regular) about the whole Houston thing cause he asked what I was doing this weekend, and it slipped out. And he happens to be going tomorrow through Sunday morning for a benefit for the Humane Society...something...I don't know. Haha. Anyway, he offered me a ride. I talked to my mom about it, and she asked if I was sure. If you know me, you know how paranoid I am, and I can smell sketchies from a mile away. But I see/somewhat talk to this guy every time I get coffee which is basically almost every day. And I'm comfortable with him.

So I'm coming to Houston! Only from Sat sometime to Sun morning. That sucks cause I won't get to see everyone. But I definitely am going to see Erica and hopefully my sis too.

Squeeee!

Ok, so I'm having second thoughts. I just realized how sketchy this all sounds. Plus, he's going to the opposite side of town from me so he'd have to go way out of his way to drop me off. I don't know...I went back to tell him I'll go, but I shouldn't have cause now he has my number when before i just had his and i could have not called him. Fuck.

This is a totally un-Katie May situation.

katie_may69 @ 2008-02-28T14:04:00

2008-02-28T20:07:57Z

I'm thinking about dying my hair dark auburn again.
I don't know though. I like the blonde in my hair, and I haven't dyed it that dark in so long.
I've gotten used to my natural color and I like it. Only with the blonde underneath and highlights though.
I really like dying it medium auburn and then putting the highlights in, but the highlights take forever and I don't want to mess with that.
Choices: Keep it as it is? Dye it a solid dark or medium auburn? Dye it medium auburn and put in the highlights?
I think the solid auburn would be the best choice cause it would be a change and if I get bored with it and miss the highlights I can just highlight it.
I probably shouldn't be doing anything to my hair though until I start trimming it regularly.
I don't know.

katie_may69 @ 2008-02-24T19:42:00

2008-02-25T01:43:58Z

How can life seem so perfect one minute and turn so wretched the next?

katie_may69 @ 2008-02-21T18:07:00

2008-02-22T00:09:15Z

I sign up for on campus housing in a couple hours.
The efficiency isn't that bad. It's all one big room though. The kitchen is separate though.
But the bathroom is so tiny!
I love my big bathroom here. It's bigger and nicer than two and three bedroom bathrooms.
:(

I'm going to miss this apartment. I wish there was some way I could stay.
Although I could just take the bus everyday since I know it's not that bad now.
Meh.

katie_may69 @ 2008-02-04T21:42:00

2008-02-05T03:45:59Z

The editors of the newspaper sent my article back telling me I needed more student quotes, which was completely true b/c I got really lazy with that part. And they also edited it a lot and added more paragraphs so I basically only wrote half of it.
I found out today that the building they print the paper at got flooded so this week's issue (which would have my FIRST article in it) will not be coming out. Instead their combining the stories that were supposed to be in this week's paper with next week's paper, but only some articles from this week's. The ones that are timely and need to be out more than others. So I don't know if mine will be in next week's or the week after.
:/

Oh well. It's still all very exciting to have an article in the paper. Even though it kind of sucks and apparently needed more work, but it was my first so whatever.

katie_may69 @ 2007-11-27T21:46:00

2007-11-28T03:54:21Z

My school has this book/magazine called The Sorin Oak Review that comes out once a semester and publishes students' creative works [photographs, poetry, short stories, etc.].
Last year I sent in three poems and three photos, but they only published my pictures. Which is good, but I really wanted my poetry published. [That would be really cool + It would be really good for future resumes.]
I've gotten a lot better at poetry in the past year so hopefully my poems will be good enough to be published this year.
I'm turning it in sometime this week or next week.
I'm debating whether or not to do pictures again. I really want to send in my photos from Photography 1 [REAL pictures that I developed myself], but I have to send it online and I don't have the chord do connect my scanner to my computer. Then again, I can use one of the scanners in the computer labs at school.
I still have good enough digital pictures to submit though. I'm just scared that they're going to pick my pictures over my poems.
Although I just found out that they look at all the work [which you don't put your name on] before looking at the submission forms [that do have your name on.]
So that's good.

I know it's not the biggest deal to have these things published in a school magazine [or whatever they call it], but it's close enough.
And one of the things I want to do in life is get my pictures/poetry published.
Pictures, I've done, though I'd like to do more.
But poetry would be a huge deal since I've decided that that's what I want to focus on when I'm out of college. At least until I gain the courage to write a novel. [Which may not be hard because I wrote a short story for my workshop piece in creative writing that I want to turn into a novel and easily could. The idea hit me the weekend before it was due and I wrote it in two days. I need it to be longer though.]

katie_may69 @ 2007-10-28T22:08:00

2007-10-29T03:09:53Z

I can't find my copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
It's very upsetting because this is my favorite time of year to read it, and the weather has been so perfect for it the past few days, if that makes sense.
Maybe my sister took it.
:/

katie_may69 @ 2007-08-08T09:36:00

2007-08-08T14:37:13Z

I'm so fucking sad.

...and I'm tired of it.

katie_may69 @ 2007-07-28T17:52:00

2007-07-28T23:02:14Z

I FUCKING HATE BEING IN HOUSTON.
I hate who I am when I'm here.
I hate being stuck indoors every second of everyday.
I hate taking care of someone else's kid.
I've been doing it since I was 16, and when I moved to Austin last year I was finally free.
And since coming back my life went backwards and I became the person I was before college.
Someone I hated with all my heart.
I watch her more now than I did then.
EVERY DAY. Even when my sister isn't at work. Even when she is HERE. Because she's fucking asleep.
And I"m sure everyone thinks I need to chill out and it's not big of a deal because it's just one kid.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS CHILD IS CAPABLE OF.
She does not listen. She's a spoiled brat. She throws 2-3 fits every day that last 30 minutes to an hour.
It's no wonder I'm so socially awkward.
I was never able to have a social life until going to Austin and only having to worry about myself.
I changed so much last year. I didn't become an extrovert or anything, but I was learning to be more social.
And now I feel like I've taken 100 steps back and now I have to start all over again.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep EVERY night because I hate my life and myself.
I'm tired of self-inflicted pain.
I'm tired of spending all my money on cigarettes because it's the only thing that calms me and keeps me sane.
I"m tired of having these stupid thoughts of just ending it all.
I'm so alone that I honestly feel like I could die and it wouldn't matter. I realize that people would be sad at first, but I'm just another person in this world who will never do great things, so I'd be easy to get over.
And I have to keep all this inside because if I try to tell anyone, they'll think I'm joking or they'll think I'm crazy and start to ignore me.

I DON"T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON.

I want my happiness back.

katie_may69 @ 2007-07-26T18:33:00

2007-07-26T23:35:05Z

A bottle of hypnotiq would be amazing right now.

I feel weird.
And I couldn't figure out why.
Cigarette? I don't feel like smoking.
Coffee? I've been drinking it all day and nothing.
Starbucks? Espresso sounds tempting, but the drinks are too filling.
Alcohol? Yes, please.

Oh.
I'm realizing this isn't a good thing.

Meh.

2007-07-23T03:19:48Z

So I'm doing it here because sometimes I get bored...

The Basics
Guy or Girl or Other: Vagina.
Age: 19.
Place of Residence: Houston at the moment. Austin as of Aug. 17.
Zodiac Sign: Cancer.

Write the first thing that comes to mind
love: Lie.
metal: Band.
cube: Square.
religion: Free.
devastation: Masses.
giraffes: Depression. (Hahahaha referring to the robot chicken video.)
the moon: astronaut.

Sex and Love
Are you a virgin? Negative.
If not, how many sexual partners have you had? Four.
Do you want children? Not really.
Have you ever cheated on someone? N/A
Have you ever broke up with someone? N/A
Have you ever been cheated on? N/A
What’s the craziest sexual thing you’ve ever done? I don't think I've done anything "crazy."
Have you ever done anything sexual for money, food, drugs, or something else? No.
Which is better: very plastic looking fake breasts or real breasts that aren’t perky? Real.
What’s the first thing you like to do after sex? Fall asleep next to him (whoever him is.)
When your looking for someone to date do you pay attention to their zodiac sign? Yes.
Do you send mixed signals? Yes.
Do you masturbate? Yes.
Do you find vampires sexy? The ones on Interview With A Vampire.
If your straight, have you ever kissed someone of the same sex while drunk? Yes.
If your straight, have you ever kissed someone of the same sex sober? No.

Favorites
What’s your favorite alcoholic drink? Hypnotiq.
What’s your favorite season? Autumn.
What’s your favorite book? Siddhartha by Herman Hesse and My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult.
What’s your favorite candy? Reese's.
What’s your favorite fast food chain? KFC is the only fast food restaurant I ever eat at. I like wings, what can I say?
What’s your favorite word? Infinite.
What’s your favorite swear word? Fuck.
What’s your favorite time period? This one. And the 16th century, particularly Venice during the time of the courtesans.
What’s your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving.
What’s your favorite website? Myspace.

The Physical
Can you roll your tongue? Yes.
Have you ever been stung by a bee? No.
Have you ever practiced self mutilation? Yes.
What was the stupidest most life threatening thing you’ve ever done? I don't know.
Have you ever laughed so hard something came out of your nose? No.
When was the last time you got 8 full hours of sleep (no more no less)? A couple nights ago. Actually, maybe last night.
When was the last time you ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner (not all at once)? Every day. With meals in-between as well.
Can you turn your eyelids inside out? No. I hate when people do that. I have a thing with eyes.
What do you think is your best physical feature? Eyes and stomach.
Can you balance a spoon on your nose? No.
What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without sleep? I don't know.
Do you use chapstick? Yes.
How many times a day do you brush your teeth? After everytime I eat or smoke.
Can you do a hand stand? No.
When you count do you still use your fingers? Sometimes.
Do you have a high threshold for pain? No.
Do you shave any part of your body? Three parts. Guess which.
Do you ever get mistaken for a person of the opposite sex? No.
Do you blush? Yes.

Fucked Questions
If you could only save the life of one of your parents, who would it be? I can't do that.
Do you know anyone who died in 9/11? No.
If you knew you were going to die without being able to say goodbye to the one person you wanted to, what message would you want them to get? I hate you, but I love you more. You're my favorite seeeester. By the way, I died. No more danciiiing. No more moneyyyyy. No more hair gellllll. No more spinniiiinnnggg. Oh, the things I could say. I'll see you on the other side.

Violence and Breaking the Law
Have you ever used a substance that is illegal where you live? Yes.
Have you ever been in an all out fist fight? No.
Have you ever sent anyone to the ER? No.
Have you ever drawn blood from someone? No.
If you were told you could get away with killing one person, who would it be and why? I could never kill a person. Unless, of course they were attacking/trying to kill me.
Do you own any weapons (kitchen knives don’t count)? You didn't say spooooons! For some reason it's known that I can take people down with spoons. Maybe because it's the most random thing i've pulled out of my purse on several occasions.
Have you ever shoplifted? No.
Have you ever gotten caught shoplifting? ...
Have you ever committed a felony? No.
Have you ever fired a gun? No.
Have you ever been the victim of a crime? No.
Is there anything that is legal now that you think should be made illegal? No.
Have you ever "relieved" yourself in someplace that was not an official bathroom? Yes.
In a fight, who would win: astronauts or cavemen? Cavemen.

Childhood and Family
What did you want to be when you were a kid? Teacher.
Are you an only child? No.
Are you parents divorced or split up or were they just never married? Divorced.
Have you ever gone to a Catholic or private school? I went to private school up until high school. And now I go to a Catholic university. Private school is sooooo much better than public. You actually learn.
Did you have any nick names as a kid? Red. Weasel. Shrimp.

Others
Do you know anyone who has been in the army? No.
Who knows you best? No one knows me as much as they think they do. But I'm going to go with my sister.
Who do you know the best? Sister.
Who would you give your life for? Pretty much anyone close to me.
Who do you have more respect for: firefighters or police officers? Firefighters.
What was the name of your first pet? Samantha.
Do you know anyone who is a size 0 or smaller? (And yes, you can be less then nothing, according to the fashion industry) Me. It horrifies me that Bui-Yah-Kah goes down to size 0000 now.
Have you ever seen a therapist or psychiatrist? I've always wanted to, but never have because I didn't want to tell my parents. Though my dad randomly offered to pay for it if I need to cause he thinks me and my sister might need to, but not for the same reasons I personally have.
Have you ever been to a psychic? No.

Beliefs and Brains
Do you believe in hell? No.
Can you point out the West Bank on a map? No.
Are you good at math? Eh.
Is there anything you think is underrated? Sure.
Whose got it harder: guys or girls? Girls. Hands down.
Does Canada suck? No.

The Chick-Magazine-Lets-Talk-About-Our-Feelings-Questions
What time of the day do you find most depressing? Late at night when I'm going to bed.
Have you been officially diagnosed with a mental illness? No. But as I've said, I gurantee you I have borderline personality disorder.
What are you most afraid of? Driving. Slowly growing to being in a car in general.
What’s your biggest regret in life? Meh.
Are you happy right now? Yes.
Have you ever let a dream of yours die? Yes. My dream of being a marine biologist. It's not my fault Calculus is so damn hard and the one kind of math you have to study be a marine biologist.
What are you most passionate about? Music.
What emotion do you feel most frequently? Simply happiness.

Everything Else
Do you name inanimate objects? Sometimes.
Have you ever written a poem? All the time. But I see them more as lyrics or just my thoughts in an organized/rhyming fashion.
Did it suck? No.
Are you bilingual? No.
If you could have any super power, what would it be? Teleportation.
Do you talk to yourself? Probably more than to anyone else.
What is the most expensive thing you ever bought, and how much was it (not counting cars and homes)?
What’s the worst song you’ve ever heard? That chicken noodle soup song.
Have you ever visited another country? Canada.
What’s your standard greeting when you answer the phone? My phone number.
Do you own a pair of handcuffs? I wish.
Do you use the word "pussy"? If so, why? No.
What type of gas do you fill up your car with? N/A
What career would you like to eventually have? Writer. Paritcularly a novelist or editor (or something) for a music magazine.
Ever had a supernatural experience? No.
Are you trendy? No.
Any guilty pleasures? "Nothing In This World" - Paris Hilton.
What article of clothing do you have the most of? Shirts.
What country do most of your clothes come from? I don't know.
Do you still have dialup? No.
Do you put ketchup on your eggs? No.
Do you put mayo on your burgers? I don't eat them.
Speaking of food, what was the last thing you ate? Ice cream. Ewwwww.

katie_may69 @ 2007-07-17T22:40:00

2007-07-18T03:43:32Z

Uh....
I just went to a movie with he who shall not be named.
Yeah. He held my hand.
And I was like :l
Absolutely nothing there.
I don't think I'll see him anymore.
He's only pretending he just wants to hang out with me, but is secretly hoping I'll eventually give in if he takes it slow.
Well FUCK THAT.
I'm done.
And happy about it.
:)

I cannot believe all the tears I wasted over that boy.
Yuck.

Revelations/Secrets

2007-07-17T05:45:58Z

Revelation # 10: I act like I'm tough and emotionally strong, but I'm as fragile as glass.

Revelation # 11: Just when you think you've found yourself, you'll lose yourself all over again. But that also means you get to find yourself all over again with some soul searching.

Revelation # 12: All good things last only moments while the bad things last forever.

Revelation # 13: Even though it's good to live in the present, sometimes you have to revisit the past to see how strong you've become and how strong you can be.

....

Secret # 12: I'm EXTREMELY sexually frustrated.

Secret # 13: I just hung out with HIM. And nothing sexual happened. :)

Secret # 14: I LOVE "Nothing In This World" - Paris Hilton, despite my dislike of her. Guilty pleasure.

Revelations

2007-07-14T16:37:28Z

Revelation # 8: I don't just not share my feelings. I'm terrified of sharing them because it means I have to feel, and when I feel, I hurt.

Revelation # 9: You know you're sexually frustrated when you're at a party complaining about how you're hot/sweating partly from heat and partly from the heat of someone you have your eye on, pulling on your dress, rubbing you stomach and neck, saying things out loud like "I want to bang the fuck out of him," "You don't want to know what's going on in my head right now, kinky things, beautiful things, amazing things, orgasmic things," and "I want to rip off my fucking clothes and scream." All of this out loud, blunt, and within hearing range of anyone around you. Oh man...

Revelations

2007-07-13T04:52:31Z

Revelatioin # 6: At 4:45 pm I put some vodka in my Rockstar without even thinking about it. Come to think of it, I've been putting vodka in all my drinks the past few nights.

Revelation # 7: Guys come back to me again for sex because they know I'll let them. But I'm not easy, nor am I promiscuous.

SECRETS.

2007-07-12T02:54:57Z

Secret # 1: I can't remember what HE smells like.

Secret # 2: If I could change one thing, I would have told HIM to keep my bracelet that I lost at his house two years ago when HE "found" it and gave it back to me last summer.

Secret # 3: My non-fear of death has turned into a somewhat longing for death. Not really death itself, just life after death. Sylvia Browne makes it sound so amazing, and this "hell" so pointless. I don't even know why life on earth has to exist when it's so great on the other side.

Secret # 4: I keep HIS Christmas present to me in a little box. [Mistle toe.]

Secret # 5: It was the best present I ever got.

Secret # 6: There's two more things in the box: the bracelet and a ticket stub from 11.26.2005 aka one of my favorite days/the best time I ever spent with HIM.

Secret # 7: I fucked up something with a check today at work and may have messed up the money count in the register. And I don't care.

Secret # 8: For awhile, I told Adam I loved him, but I didn't mean it. I just liked hearing it back.

Secret # 9: The first time HE cheated on his current girlfriend with me, he said he wanted to have sex. I said no. He had sex with me anyway even though I never said yes, but I didn't stop him. He would have kept me there all night until I said "yes" anyway so I didn't see the point.

Secret # 10: People in high school, mostly my friends, thought I was anorexic. I never was, until they started teasing me about it all they time. You asked for it, you've got it.

Secret # 11: Eating disorders never go away, they just become a part of you that you can control. And I've been doing amazingly at that for two years now.

Revelations:

2007-07-11T15:40:06Z

Revelation #1: I prefer one best friend to a group of friends because in groups, I tend to be the one left out or dropped from the group.

Revelation #2: I don't talk a lot because at home I'm ignored, interrupted to be forgotten, or simply not listened to so I don't think people will actually listen to me/care. Or I start to think that if I'm ignored then nothing I say is interesting so there's no point in even opening my mouth.

Revelation #3: I sleep with guys I'm interested in instead of telling them I like them because I fear rejection/know they won't like me back. Sex is the only way I know how to get close to a guy without being rejected, even though it's all I'll ever get with them.

Revelation #4: I never purposely try to make friends, get close to people, or let anyone too deep into my life because I've lost everyone I've allowed to do so.

Revelation #5: I "hate" men and purposely hurt the ones that are actually nice to me/show more interest in me than sex because I associate them with him. I was always scared to take it out on the one who actually hurt me so I take it out on any guy cause to me they're all the same.

More on this later....

katie_may69 @ 2007-07-10T14:57:00

2007-07-10T20:02:18Z

I think I've been over-exerting myself.
I've been working out hardcore every day for the past two weeks (either 30-45 min in the morning and the same in the afternoon, or an hour in the morning or afternoon. Sometimes and hour both.)
With only one rest day, even though you're supposed to have two.
And I've been eating the right amount every day for how much I work out.
But lately I've been drained. I'm starting to push myself to finish work outs, even though you're not supposed to do that either.
Then today I had wayyyy too much caffeine in an hour or so, but my body isn't use to that much that quick since I've lightened up on the caffeine the past month.
And I just could not work out this afternoon. Even I barely got through my one this morning, so I knew I shouldn't have tried.
I couldn't even unload/load the dishwasher without feeling like I was going to pass out.
I think I need to be getting more sleep also.

My venting for the day.

katie_may69 @ 2007-07-07T16:29:00

2007-07-07T21:31:43Z

Type your cut contents here.

FAVORITES:
-----------------
[An author who had affected you] Herman Hesse.

[What you most like to do on a Sunday] Eat breakfast, listen to music, and read the paper in peace and quiet as I do every Sunday.

[A taste that makes you melt] Mmmm.

[The film you could watch over and over] Girl, Interrupted.

FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR:
----------------------------
[Something important on your computer desk] USB disk.

[What you would keep in a safe, if you had one] A piece of paper that reads "Haha....ha."

[Things you like to buy] CDs. Panties, glorious panties! [Thank you, Eric Forman.]

[If you could afford it at this moment, you would buy] Two plane tickets to Hawaii.

[You collect] Nothing.

[Your strangest possession] I don't know. None of my posessions are strange to me.

[Your most expensive possession] Computer.

[Your prized possession] Nano.

[If your house was burning and you only had time to rescue 3 things, they would be] My purse. My cat (Hopefully I'd get one, and my mom the other.) My laptop.

MORALS:
-----------
[Something forbidden you have done that might even surprise your closest friends] Well, if it would be so surprising that I wouldn't tell them, I'm not telling you.

[The appropriate age for having sex] 16. Well, whenever you're ready. But I don't think people under 16 should.

[The first time you had sex, you were how old] 16.

[Your most recent lie] Uh...

[A lie you tell yourself] Most of the things I tell myself are lies.

[A drug or alcoholic beverage you take on a regular basis] I don't take either on a regular basis.

[If there were no side effects, you would enjoy being addicted to] You should rephrase that to "no negative side effects" cause if there were no side effects at all, it wouldn't be worth it. :p

[What would your reaction be if your spouse or partner cheated on you] No idea.

[A time you purposely hurt someone emotionally] I think I use to/still do that to Adam to make him not like me.

FAMILY:
----------
[Which of your parents do you strongly resemble] Mom.

[Something your parents did that you have never forgiven] I'm not one to not forgive.

[A trait you do not share with your siblings] Her laziness.

EGO:
--------
[Your 3 best qualities] I'm extremely self-disciplined. I'm optimistic, for the most part. I do the opposite of what people tell me to do, therefore, I never give in to peer pressure.

[Your 3 worst qualities] Introvert. Fear of rejection. I have an addictive personality.

[3 words that describe how others view you] Quiet. Mysterious. Innocent.

[A special compliment that made you blush] Most compliments make me blush.

[The animal that best describes you] Kitten.

[The greatest amount of physical pain you ever endured] When I broke my elbow. Though the pain of a lonely heart is somewhat worse.

[Your best physical feature] Eyes and stomach.

WISHES:
-----------
[Your dream] To find my soulmate.

[If you had the talent or the opportunity, you would] Become a musician/musical artist. Or a marine biologist.

[Something you wish you could learn at the snap of your fingers] How to play any instrument.

[Something you wish you could change about your life] Nothing.

[You want to retire at this age] I plan on dying before I need to retire.

[How do you plan to spend that last years of your life] In Kona, Hawaii.

[How would you like to spend the last few minutes of your life] Listening to music somewhere beautiful and with someone amazing.

[At your funeral, you want people to remember you as] however they choose to remember me.

[Something you dreamed that later happened or turned out to be true] Never happened.

EMOTIONS:
---------------
[The emotion you tend to hide the most] Mostly any negative emotions.

[The emotion you seem to experience the most] Lately, depression.

[A moment you achieved absolute happiness] There's been a few, but most I don't want to share.

[A piece of music that makes you sentimental]

[When you are happy, you need] Music.

[When you are sad, you need] Music.

[When you are angry, you need] Music, a punching bag, and a cigarette.

[When you are lonely, you need] Company.

[When you are in love, you need] ...

[The last time you cried uncontrollably was when] A couple nights ago.

[A moment in your life when your emotions froze and you felt absolutely nothing] Many times.

MEMORIES:
---------------
[Your earliest memory] My 4th birthday party.

[Describe your first paying job] It wasn't a realy job, but I got paid for babysitting Paityn in high school since I couldn't get job cause I had to watch her. It was mostly a nightmare.

[Describe your best paying job] Osh Kosh. Not much to describe. It's boring.

[You are haunted by the memory of] Him.

[A person who was exceptionally kind to you] :) He could have made me feel like I was nothing and then tossed me aside, but he was the only guy who every treated me like a girl should be treated, even though I'm sure he knew he didn't have to.

[A person who made you miserable for a long time] I'll give you one guess.

FEARS:
---------
[Your greatest fear] Being alone forever.

[A crime or natural disaster you were a victim of] Nothing? Well, I've been a victim of theft and a drive-by.

[A sickness or disease you fear] What sickness/disease is there that no one fears?

[A reason for which you would seriously contemplate suicide] No comment.

[When people first meet you, you are afraid they will think] I'm weird and awkward. I mean, I am, but I don't want them to think that.

[Your greatest fear about aging] Bring old.

[Your greatest fear about marriage] That I'll get divorced.

[Your greatest fear about having children] Morning sickness, child birth, and gaining weight.

[Something on your mind you are afraid to share] Which is why I'm not sharing it.

CAT AND MOUSE:
----------------------
[The largest age difference you have had in a relationship] I only have sexual relationships. So, five years.

[Who was younger] Me. Always.

[Something someone said or did that you found extremely attractive] Sometimes someone just has to exist.

[Something someone said or did that you found frighteningly unattractive] Oh, DM. You say stupid things.

[A physical trait you find attractive] Wrists!

[An intellectual ability you find attractive] Sarcasm. It does take quite a bit of intellect.

[A personality trait you find attractive] Not extremely extrovert, but quiet and mellow with extrovert qualities. I realize I make no sense.

[You are irritated when people ask you] If I wear contacts.

[You love it when people ask you] Where did you get your haircut? Cause then I can tell them I cut it myself.

[Your longest grudge] I don't hold grudges.

[A type of person you don't seem to get along with] A lot of girls, in general.

[You and your spouse or partner argue about this issue often] N/A

[What you enjoy most about having a committed relationship] N/A

[What you dislike most about having a committed relationship] N/A

SEXUALITY:
---------------
[Your sexiest feature] Stomach/hipbones and collarbone.

[A place where you've always wanted to make love] A ferris wheel. Haha. The kind that are circle with a table in the middle and a partial wall on the sides. Like the big ass one at Fiesta Texas.

[A wonderful place where you have made love] Just being in this one guy's bed with him made it a wonderful place.

[A strange place where you have made love] A car parked in a barn. With horses in it.

[A special place on your body that, when kissed or touched, feels unbelievably good] Well there is one place that comes to mind.... I like when a guy kisses my stomach though. It makes me feel giddy, which is an unbelievably good feeling.

[An unfulfilled fantasy] ...

[A fulfilled fantasy] ...

[A fragrance that reminds you of someone with whom you have been intimate] Just the scent of them.

[The most perverted situation you have ever been in] The last time I had sex. I'm not going into detail, but I will say that "technically" it could be seen as rape. But not enough to say I was actually raped.

[The approximate number of sexual partners you have had] Four. I don't like to count one of them though because we were only going at it for like a minute, no one came, and then we stopped because of people being around.

[The largest age difference between you and a sexual partner] Five years.

[Who was younger] Me.

[The first time you achieved orgasm] Uh...I think only once when he who shall not be named went down on me for the first time.

[You feel most attractive when] I'm in a bra and panties.

[Sex is] Bliss.

IF:

---------
[If you could change one law] Allow gay marriage.

[If you could erase one memory] Ugh.

[If you could bring one person back from the dead] I'm not going to mess with the dead. I don't want to bring anyone back to this hell.

[If you could start all over] I wouldn't.

HERE AND NOW:
-----------------------
[Your current philosophy] There's no point in life but to exist.

[Something you learned this week] My work schedule?

[Your most important goal right now] Six pack. And stick with my work out/eating habits. I usually keep it going for a few weeks, then I'll go backward for a week or two.

[The best word to describe your love life] Existence.

[The best word to describe your job] Boring.

[Your biggest obstacle right now] ?

[The last person you said "I love you' to] Paityn.

[A piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child] Do what you want when you want to and because you want to. Then when people tell you to do/try something (peer pressure) you'll say no because you like doing things that you want to do and in your own time. That's how I've always been. And I'm pretty good for the most part on making good choices concerning things that will be bad for me.

katie_may69 @ 2007-07-05T20:40:00

2007-07-06T01:51:26Z

So you know how I started going on about how I think I'm bipolar?
Well I think it actually is borderline personality disorder.

Diagnosis: A person with a borderline personality disorder often experiences a repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and close personal relationships. This can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent. They sometimes can maintain this appearance for a number of years until their defense structure crumbles, usually around a stressful situation like the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent.

Symptoms: Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety. There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures. The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships. There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.

More random shit:

- While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.

- Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values.

- They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

- Fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless.

- BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders. [So I guess I could have both.]

Yes. To all of the above.
I don't think it's Girl, Interrupted severe, but I think that's what's wrong with me.
Cause there's been something wrong with me for years now.
I think it's only at its worst when I'm isolate, like now.
I wouldn't dare tell anyone I feel this way though because they wouldn't believe me since I always cover it up when I'm around people. I usually am happy, though. But I have this totally different person underneath that takes over every once in awhile that NO ONE knows about.

I'm done.

This song is not for your lovers.

2007-07-05T23:56:27Z

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007? Yes.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE? No.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? Yes.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? A tear or two. Cause I hated what had just happened.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX? Sometimes. I rarely do, but it's nice.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE? Yes.

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM? Yes.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP? Depends.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX? Yes, but it definitely was not my choice. Douche bag. Not the usual douche bag.

10. EVER MASTERBATE TO YOUR FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER? No.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND? Yes.

12. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX? No.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX? Yes.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE? Yes.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? Nothing comes to mind. But the time before the last time was somewhat embarassing. I'm not going into detail.

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW? ;) Someone I've had sex with before.

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW? Yes.

21. HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? Passionate. When it's about both of us, not just the guy.

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR? Eh.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO? Occasionally. When he contacts me wanting to fuck.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER? No.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER? Yes.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD? Good.

katie_may69 @ 2007-07-04T23:49:00

2007-07-05T04:50:07Z

Part of me wants to give in just so I can temporarily kill my lonliness.

I'm a fucking shrub, alright?

2007-07-05T01:40:31Z

<3 Girl, Interrupted.

I also love Sylvia Browne episodes of Montel. There was woman who was married to her husband who died, in this life and three previous ones.
That's crazy. I wish I knew if anyone I know now was with me in a past life.
Mostly I wonder if my sister was because I have such a strong connection with her and we fit together perfectly because we're basically each other's other half.
I mean, I know she's my sister so of course I'd be closer to her than anyone else.
But not all sibling are as close as we are. Not only is she my sister, but my best friend, and I'm the same for her.
I think we'd be friends even if we weren't sisters.
I also want to know what I went through in past lives because maybe it has something to do with the way I am now. Cause I really have no reason to feel the way I do when I do (well I do have some reasons that only I get) so maybe something happened to me that made me so cautious with people, so unbelieving of love, and so afraid to let anyone in/commit.

I get a 30 gb iPod soon. Within the next week hopefully. I'm trying to get my mom to get it for me before my b-day.
I've got some names in mind, but I won't know until I'm holding it.
Shut up. I know I'm weird.
I'm going to miss Skyler though. But I'll still use her. Unless I want to give it away.
I haven't decided yet.

I'm done.

katie_may69 @ 2007-07-04T00:00:00

2007-07-04T05:04:01Z

I'm tired of [emotional] pain.
On the surface, it seems to come from no where.
There's no reason for it.

But there is.
People just don't get it.

You know what, I'm not going to do this to myself tonight.
I need a break from it.
I'm gonna M*A*S*H it up.
Haha.

K byeeee.

katie_may69 @ 2007-06-29T22:43:00

2007-06-30T04:13:53Z

1. How often do you cry?
Rarely except during the summer. So...a lot lately.

2. What makes you cry the easiest?
Being lonely. And basically just thinking. I do that too much.

3. What makes you really really happy?
Music, autumn weather, and spending time with awesome people.

4. Has anyone close to you ever died?
Yes.

5. Has anyone close to you ever committed suicide?
No.

6. How many funerals have you been to?
One.

7. Have you ever cried over the death of a celebrity?
No.

8. What would be the scariest way to die (in your opinion)?
Drowning. Or being tortured to death.

9. What do you do in your spare time?
Make playlists. Read. Work out. Clean. Take pictures.

10. What are some of your favorite restaurants?
La Madeline. I don't really like eating out.

11. What time do you wake up in the morning?
8 am.

12. What is your natural sleeping pattern?
I go to bed fairly early. Before 11 or 12 during school and before 1 in the summer. I go through phases where I wake up a lot through the night. And I can't sleep past 9 am.

13. What made you decide to have sex for the first time?
I wanted to get it over with. Plus, he was my first for everything so I figured I might as well. Plus plus, I wanted to do it with someone I was comfortable with before I lost my chance and had to wait god knows how long before I became that comfortable with someone else.

14. Were you in love?
Fuck no. We weren't even together. Friends with benefits.

15. What's your preferred method of birth control?
I don't use birth control. When I have money I will.

16. Have you ever had a one-night stand?
Once and it was a mistake and awhile ago and I'd never do it again. Besides that one time, I DON'T sleep with strangers (I tend to have known the guy awhile) and I usually end up having sex with the same guy more than once and consecutively (so it's not a one night stand). Because I'm NOT a slut. And I just gave out way more information than the question asked. Haha.

17. How many rooms does your house have?
Four.

18. What would be your ideal living arrangement?
I like living by myself, but I can't wait to have someone to fall asleep with at night.

19. How many times have you moved in your life?
Three.

20. What city/state would you like to live in?
Austin, Boston, and Kona.

21. Have you ever lived on your own?
About to in a few months.

22. What do you do on weekends?
Work at least one day.

23. Do you enjoy alone time?
Yes. But not my typical summer time alone time. Cause then I'm alone 24/7 and it drives me crazy.

24. If you were stranded at home for a weekend without a computer or a TV, what would you do to entertain yourself?
Work out. Read. Play solitaire. Clean. Dance around with my iPod.

25. What is one thing you would love to learn?
Pole dancing.

26. What are you really good at?
Making playlists?

27. If there were a book about your life, what would it be called?
I Hate Titles. Haha. Seriously, I do.

28. What word or phrase best describes your sense of style?
Katie May.

29. What's your favorite article of clothing?
Lingerie.

30. What fashion "season" are you?
Autumn.

31. How long does it take you to get ready to go out on the weekend?
Depends. 15-30 min.

32. Sum up your life right now in 5-10 words:
Lonely, boring, content, accomplished, at a stand still.